A Broken Who-Ha

As most of you would know, I am a first time mum to beautiful boy Samuel. Most of you would also be aware that giving birth to my little man was long, difficult and left me with some scars that are still healing. A Grade 3c tear is what the doctors call it. A tear, which resulted from my little man's above average size, that has broken my who-ha! 

I never really had a birth plan with Sam. When someone would ask what our wishes were, our answer was that we were happy to go with the flow, as long as bub came out crying and healthy. I was open to a natural labour, caesarean section or for pain relief if needed. Afterall, a birth can only be considered successful when the outcome is a healthy baby. Nevertheless, while I thought I was mentally ready, none of the books or blogs I read, prenatal classes we attended or discussions with other mums truly prepared me for the physical recovery following Sam's birth. It was naive but I never imagined I would have any sort of complications after giving birth. I simply imagined bub would be born, my body would dilate to ensure this happened safely and then it would contract back to it's pre-pregnancy state. The wisdom of hindsight has highlighted my ignorance.

I have described the feelings about my labour before in Sam's Birth Story, so why am I writing about it again today? Last week I had my follow up appointment at the Perineal Clinic, where they check on your healing, the scar formation and muscle function. It turns out, 5 months on, my muscles are still healing (did you know that breastfeeding delays the healing process of the who-ha??!), my scar is quite large and I have overworked my pelvic floor muscles. The appointment was going well, with me passing these things off as little potholes in the road that is motherhood and then the kind doctor served me a great big speed hump. Due to the nature of my tear, formation of the scar, healing issues and tendency to have bigger babies, the doctor advised that for any further deliveries, an elective caesarean delivery would be the safest option. 

Considering that I was so open to a caesarean birth previously, I'm not sure why this was so hard to process. I even cried (once I was alone in the car). Perhaps it's the absence of the excitement that accompanies the spontaneity in natural labour that I feel I will miss. Maybe I feel like I won't have the same feeling of empowerment, determination and strength I had when giving birth to Sam. It could be as simple as a c section won't give me the opportunity to rely and depend on Mr J for motivation and strength. A thought that is playing on my mind, is if I don't feel like I have experienced everything I have just described, if I don't have to work really hard to have a baby, then have I earned it? One thing is for sure, this speed bump has made me sad.

It will take a little time to process but I will make it over this speed hump. Afterall, the birth of a baby is a small chapter in motherhood's very large book. 

This little face makes everything worthwhile

Phoebe

xo