A Father's Reflection on Pregnancy

A Post By New Father - Mr J

Hello everyone! It's Mr J here. This is the first of several posts that Phoebe has asked me to write while she recovers and gets a handle on motherhood. We are so excited with the arrival of our little man, but before my memories of the last nine months become too foggy, Phoebe has asked if I could share with you my thoughts and feelings on our pregnancy. This post was actually scheduled to be published the day that Phoebe went into labour (bub was 2 weeks early), which is why some of it is worded as though we haven't had Sam! 

What has been the most difficult thing to deal with during pregnancy?

It my be that I've managed to block out the bad memories of the pregnancy, because I honestly can't think of many times that were really difficult. Unfortunately, one thing we found was that some people like to tell you lots of pregnancy stories, including the horror ones. In comparison to some of those, we didn't have much to complain about!

Are you nervous about labour and delivery?

I think any first time dad-to-be who tells you he's not at least a little nervous about the delivery is kidding himself. I know Phoebe will be great, and that as hard as it will be, we'll get through it. But I think the hardest thing as men will be to see our partners in so much pain and discomfort, and not be able to do anything to stop it. At the end of the day, it's something that we can't avoid, and the reward at the other end will be more than worth it!

What stereotype of pregnancy most suits Phoebe? (cravings, waddling, hormonal?)

I don’t think I really have a good answer for this one.  Phoebe had some morning sickness in the first trimester, but no more than what I understand is normal.  There didn’t seem to be any cravings, or even any real craziness from the hormones (maybe a little…)! The one thing that I think pregnancy did, was amplify some of her emotions at times, which led to plenty of tears (happy, sad, angry, bored, hungry, unexplainable, etc.). I was hoping for some good ‘pregnancy brain’ stories to tell, but unfortunately I’ve been disappointed in that regard!

What part about having a baby are you most excited or nervous about?

Despite a little nervousness about the labour and delivery, I have nothing but excitement for becoming a dad.  I’m genuinely excited about everything!  I can’t wait to become another person’s entire world (yeah ok, Mum plays a part as well), to know that I’m responsible for helping the little guy grow and develop into a young man.  To see him develop his own personality, to help him learn and to see our family dynamic change.  I’m looking forward to reading to him before bed, to bath times, and even to getting up in the night (especially if it leads to father and son bonding watching football at 2am!).

And of course, I can’t wait to see Phoebe become a Mum.  I know she’s going to be a fantastic Mum, and that Marble is very lucky to have someone who will love him so completely.  I love Phoebe for so many reasons, but soon I will be able to add one more reason to the list.

And although this is supposed to be a serious question, I have to mention that I’m excited to use all our new baby things, in particular the pram!  During the pregnancy, I learned way more than any guy would ever want to know about prams, so you can be sure I’m going to get the use out of it!

What things have done to prepare you for what lies ahead?

How the heck do you prepare yourself for such a momentous and life changing event in your life?  I have no idea, but I’ll tell you what I tried!

I’m the kind of guy who likes to have as much information as possible, and to understand and be prepared for things before they happen.  So naturally, when Phoebe and I found out we were expecting our first baby, I went looking for information.  I bought and borrowed a heap of books and DVDs (fair warning - I don’t think anyone’s quite ready the first time you see a birthing video!).  I read blogs and found a few ‘dad forums’ and groups that let me talk to other dads.  I have to admit I even ventured onto a couple of mum and pregnancy forums! 

On top of that, I’ve made a conscious effort to be as involved as possible with the pregnancy, to understand what’s going on for Phoebe and Marble.  As Dads-to-be, it’s hard to feel connected to the pregnancy at times.  Logically we know there’s a baby growing in there, but we don’t get to feel the baby moving, or have him with us constantly like Mum does.  But for me, knowing what was happening throughout the pregnancy and discussing it with Phoebe made me feel a part of it instead of simply a bystander.

I like to think it’s prepared me, at least partially, for the things to come, both the delivery itself and the early days of being a parent.  But at the same time, I know that there’s so much I don’t know, and can never learn by reading about it in a book.  I’m looking forward to making mistakes, learning on the job, and being the best Dad I can be.

What advice would you give to other dads-to-be on handling pregnancy?

Keep the bar fridge stocked, and develop selective hearing.  I’m joking, Phoebe!  Possibly the worst advice ever? In all seriousness, I think there were a couple of things that really made the pregnancy and the idea of becoming a dad easier to handle. 

The first is simply to be involved.  I always felt that I knew what was going on with Phoebe and the baby, I knew what stage things were at, how Phoebe was feeling and thinking about things.

And the second thing is to communicate.  The obvious person to talk to is your partner.  Ask how she’s feeling, but just as importantly, tell her what you’re feeling and thinking.  It sounds simple, but sometimes I think as men we forget to think about ourselves because we’re so focussed on her.  We may not be growing the baby but it’s still a life changing event for us as well.

I would also recommend finding a group of dads to talk to.  Whether it’s family or friends, or just a dad’s group, it helps to be able to talk to other guys who have been through it all before.  If there are any dads-to-be out there looking for guys to talk to about becoming a dad, I know of a great online group I would recommend (and no, it’s not all touchy feeling, talking about feelings. There’s plenty of ‘normal’ guy chat as well).